@LaraGWilliams: Imagine if we changed our prayer from "Father, take this away!" to "Father, glorify your name." #hellomornings
Earlier this week a friend told me that 'Sometimes just because your life isn't the way you pictured it to be, doesn't mean that it isn't still beautiful..' And that really got me thinking.
Right now where I am, having lost a second baby, it sometimes is difficult to see beauty around.. But then it's also true that after the first summer rains, the skies are always brighter, clearer and everything looks more beautiful. The past almost two weeks, have been agonizing and I cried a lot of tears. Someone told me, you should cry as much as you want and as often as you want, 'It cleanses the soul and washes you clean'.. And after crying so many tears, maybe just maybe I am seeing my world through different eyes..
I look at my boys, who is the biggest blessings right now and I notice that Jaydon (2,5) is developing such a beautiful sense of humor. He is also starting to be so much more loving towards his brother and the rest of us handing out hugs and kisses unexpectedly and in moments it makes your heart burst to see the beautiful little person that is being uncovered... Ethan (almost 1,5) is starting to show a healthy and very strong will of his own, something some might say is going to be hard going forward. But I am looking at him and cannot help savoring even in this, something beautiful, a personality we will nurture and traits we will help him to use for his good so he can stand up for himself in any situation..
Last night my husband came back from a 3 day business trip and after not seeing him for 3 days in this difficult time I could not help seeing the beauty of being back in the comfort of his arms when he hugged me to say hello, being back in this familiarity made me realise despite all the heartache, what we have is something so beautiful..
Yes, right now life is not how we dreamed and pictured it to be, but I am dreaming of an even more beautiful tomorrow, thanking God for the amazing blessing we have in our life and cannot wait to see what He has in store for us...
The best & most beautiful things in life cannot be seen, not touched, but are felt in the heart. Helen Keller”
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Already a week...
It's been a week since we received the heartbreaking news.. One week which feels like a lifetime, a week of crying and heartache but also those in-between moments which is the reason I'm still standing.. One week since my 'sense of normal' took on a whole new meaning and one week in which my heart has been trying to make sense of how to love my absolute amazing blessings in so many different ways, cause when you try to mend a broken heart the only glue to hold the pieces together is love.. Loving when it hurts so much all you want to do is leave the scattered pieces lying, is therapeutic and healing and I cannot be thankful enough that my two boys are with me right now..
'God understands our prayers even we cannot find the words to say them'
There are so many prayers in my heart right now, some just questions, some pure heartache, no words attached and others for being so thankful for my two boys.. Without them this time would've been so much harder..
I have also learned that you can never underestimate how sensitive our kids are. They might not have the words, but their spirits sense ours and they do not know how and why but I believe they know.. Jaydon is so full of hugs and kisses right now, he'll walk up to me and just hug me, give me kisses when I least expect it and in his way put a band-aid over the wound in my aching heart.. Ethan just wants to be close and held, I've always thought him to be more sensitive and I realise in their own ways they are two very sensitive boys. I see through my heartache glimpses of their spirits which is even more beautiful than I imagined..
And yes they are still two toddlers, they still throw tantrums and hit each other, but somehow right now even that brings some kind of healing into my heart and there are moments that I say thank you that God gave me these moments of reality cause its in those I realise just how blessed I still am...
During this week I've also done so much research and reading, firstly on exactly what was diagnosed and maybe looking for a why and how.. One thing that came through and which my doctor also said its one of those 'really fluke' things that could've happened to anyone.. Yeah right, so much for random fate was my first thought.. With Hannah even though the diagnosis was so different, it was also a 'random' happen-to-anyone-thing.. So the 'synical' me asks - How's that for luck?.. Not something I'm dwelling on, but have wondered why...?
Even though we've been through this twice now, after Hannah we've received two amazing blessings and yes I'll always have the place in my heart and even dreams for the little girl we've lost. And now once again I'll have the dreams and aching for a tiny baby we were never able to hold or see and yet my heart knows should the future hold in it for us another little baby God will see us through....
In all my reading I've come upon a few websites offering comfort for parents in situations like ours.. It somehow helps reading other people's stories and seeing in all its randomness we are not alone. I came across this from 'Still standing magazine' and the words somehow did bring me some comfort..
Why you didn't fail as a mother...
I have to tell you this. You didn’t fail. Not even a little.
You are not a horrible mother.
You didn’t choose this. You didn’t want this to happen. You didn’t do anything wrong. It just happened. To you. Despite your begging, pleading, praying, hoping against all hope that it would not. Even though everything within you was screaming, no no no no no no no no no no!!!!
God didn’t do this to you to punish you, smite you, or to “teach you a lesson”. That is not God’s way. You could not have prevented this if you: tried harder, prayed harder, or if you were a “better” person. Nor if you ate better, loved harder, exercised more, did x, y, z to the nth degree or any other way your mind tries to fill-in-the-blank. You could not have prevented this even if you could have predicted the future like no one can.
Even if you did nothing more, you are already the best mom there is because you would have done absolutely anything to keep your child alive. To breathe your last breath to save theirs. To choose the pain all over again just to spend one more minute with them. That, is the ultimate kind of love. You are the ultimate kind of mother.
So wash your hands of any naysayers, backstabbers, or anyone who sprinted in the other direction when you needed them the most. Wash your hands of the people who may have falsely judged you, ostracized you, or stigmatized you because of what happened to you. Wash your hands of anyone who has made you feel less than by questioning everything you did or didn’t do. Those whose words or looks have implied that this was somehow your fault.
This was not your fault. This will never be your fault, no matter how many different ways someone tries to tell you it is.
And especially if that someone happens to be you. Sometimes it’s not what others are saying that keeps us shackled in shame. Sometimes we adopt others’ misguided opinions and assumptions about our situation as our own. Sometimes it’s our own inner voice that shoves us into the darkest corner of despair, like an abuser, telling us over and over and over again that we failed as mothers. That if only this and what if that, it would never have happened. That you woulda, shoulda done this or that so your child would not have died. That is a lie of the sickest kind. Do not believe it, not even for a second. Do not let it sink into your bones. Do not let it smother that beautiful, beautiful light of yours.
Instead, breathe in this truth with every part of yourself: You are the best damn mother in the entire world.
The kind of mother who people write books about. The kind who inspires the world.
No one else could do what you do. No one else could ever be your child’s mother as well as you can, as well as you are. No one else could let your child’s love and light shine through them the way you do. No one else could mother their dead child as well as you do. No one else could carry this unrelenting burden as courageously. It is the heaviest, most torturous burden there is.
You have within you a sacred strength. You are the mother of all mothers. There is no one, no one, no one that could ever, ever replace you. No one. You were chosen to be their mother. Yes– chosen. And no one could parent them better in life or in death than you do.
So breathe mama, keep breathing. Believe mama, keep believing. Fight mama, keep fighting, for this truth to uproot the lies in your heart— you didn’t fail. You are not a failure. Not even a little.
For whatever it’s worth, I see you. I hear your guttural sobs. I feel your ache deep inside my bones. And it doesn’t make me uncomfortable to put my fingers as a makeshift band-aid over the gaping hole in your heart until the scabs come, when and if they do.
It takes invincible strength to mother a child you can no longer hold, see, touch or hear. You are a superhero mama. I see you fall down and get up, fall down and get up, over and over again. I notice the grit and guts it takes to pry yourself out of bed every single day and force your bloodied feet to stand up and keep walking. I see you walking this path of life you’ve been given where every breath and step apart from your child is a physical, emotional and spiritual battleground— a fight for your own survival— a fight to quiet the insidious lies.
But the truth is– you haven’t failed at all. In fact, it’s quite the opposite.
You are the mother of all mothers.
Truly the most inspiring, courageous, loving mother there is– a warrior mama through and through.
For even in their death you lovingly mother them still.
I believe a mothers heart stays a mothers heart, and I'll love and mother my babies always whether they with me or watching from above, getting bigger and moving out, or staying with me... but in my heart I will always be their mother, in each situation different and yet so alike cause I'll always love them more than they'll ever know... It's one of heavens most beautiful gifts the day you become a mother, and just because they're not in your arms, it doesn't make you any less if a mother, but I would like to believe maybe just a little more...........
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
'God understands our prayers even we cannot find the words to say them'
There are so many prayers in my heart right now, some just questions, some pure heartache, no words attached and others for being so thankful for my two boys.. Without them this time would've been so much harder..
I have also learned that you can never underestimate how sensitive our kids are. They might not have the words, but their spirits sense ours and they do not know how and why but I believe they know.. Jaydon is so full of hugs and kisses right now, he'll walk up to me and just hug me, give me kisses when I least expect it and in his way put a band-aid over the wound in my aching heart.. Ethan just wants to be close and held, I've always thought him to be more sensitive and I realise in their own ways they are two very sensitive boys. I see through my heartache glimpses of their spirits which is even more beautiful than I imagined..
And yes they are still two toddlers, they still throw tantrums and hit each other, but somehow right now even that brings some kind of healing into my heart and there are moments that I say thank you that God gave me these moments of reality cause its in those I realise just how blessed I still am...
During this week I've also done so much research and reading, firstly on exactly what was diagnosed and maybe looking for a why and how.. One thing that came through and which my doctor also said its one of those 'really fluke' things that could've happened to anyone.. Yeah right, so much for random fate was my first thought.. With Hannah even though the diagnosis was so different, it was also a 'random' happen-to-anyone-thing.. So the 'synical' me asks - How's that for luck?.. Not something I'm dwelling on, but have wondered why...?
Even though we've been through this twice now, after Hannah we've received two amazing blessings and yes I'll always have the place in my heart and even dreams for the little girl we've lost. And now once again I'll have the dreams and aching for a tiny baby we were never able to hold or see and yet my heart knows should the future hold in it for us another little baby God will see us through....
In all my reading I've come upon a few websites offering comfort for parents in situations like ours.. It somehow helps reading other people's stories and seeing in all its randomness we are not alone. I came across this from 'Still standing magazine' and the words somehow did bring me some comfort..
Why you didn't fail as a mother...
I have to tell you this. You didn’t fail. Not even a little.
You are not a horrible mother.
You didn’t choose this. You didn’t want this to happen. You didn’t do anything wrong. It just happened. To you. Despite your begging, pleading, praying, hoping against all hope that it would not. Even though everything within you was screaming, no no no no no no no no no no!!!!
God didn’t do this to you to punish you, smite you, or to “teach you a lesson”. That is not God’s way. You could not have prevented this if you: tried harder, prayed harder, or if you were a “better” person. Nor if you ate better, loved harder, exercised more, did x, y, z to the nth degree or any other way your mind tries to fill-in-the-blank. You could not have prevented this even if you could have predicted the future like no one can.
Even if you did nothing more, you are already the best mom there is because you would have done absolutely anything to keep your child alive. To breathe your last breath to save theirs. To choose the pain all over again just to spend one more minute with them. That, is the ultimate kind of love. You are the ultimate kind of mother.
So wash your hands of any naysayers, backstabbers, or anyone who sprinted in the other direction when you needed them the most. Wash your hands of the people who may have falsely judged you, ostracized you, or stigmatized you because of what happened to you. Wash your hands of anyone who has made you feel less than by questioning everything you did or didn’t do. Those whose words or looks have implied that this was somehow your fault.
This was not your fault. This will never be your fault, no matter how many different ways someone tries to tell you it is.
And especially if that someone happens to be you. Sometimes it’s not what others are saying that keeps us shackled in shame. Sometimes we adopt others’ misguided opinions and assumptions about our situation as our own. Sometimes it’s our own inner voice that shoves us into the darkest corner of despair, like an abuser, telling us over and over and over again that we failed as mothers. That if only this and what if that, it would never have happened. That you woulda, shoulda done this or that so your child would not have died. That is a lie of the sickest kind. Do not believe it, not even for a second. Do not let it sink into your bones. Do not let it smother that beautiful, beautiful light of yours.
Instead, breathe in this truth with every part of yourself: You are the best damn mother in the entire world.
The kind of mother who people write books about. The kind who inspires the world.
No one else could do what you do. No one else could ever be your child’s mother as well as you can, as well as you are. No one else could let your child’s love and light shine through them the way you do. No one else could mother their dead child as well as you do. No one else could carry this unrelenting burden as courageously. It is the heaviest, most torturous burden there is.
You have within you a sacred strength. You are the mother of all mothers. There is no one, no one, no one that could ever, ever replace you. No one. You were chosen to be their mother. Yes– chosen. And no one could parent them better in life or in death than you do.
So breathe mama, keep breathing. Believe mama, keep believing. Fight mama, keep fighting, for this truth to uproot the lies in your heart— you didn’t fail. You are not a failure. Not even a little.
For whatever it’s worth, I see you. I hear your guttural sobs. I feel your ache deep inside my bones. And it doesn’t make me uncomfortable to put my fingers as a makeshift band-aid over the gaping hole in your heart until the scabs come, when and if they do.
It takes invincible strength to mother a child you can no longer hold, see, touch or hear. You are a superhero mama. I see you fall down and get up, fall down and get up, over and over again. I notice the grit and guts it takes to pry yourself out of bed every single day and force your bloodied feet to stand up and keep walking. I see you walking this path of life you’ve been given where every breath and step apart from your child is a physical, emotional and spiritual battleground— a fight for your own survival— a fight to quiet the insidious lies.
But the truth is– you haven’t failed at all. In fact, it’s quite the opposite.
You are the mother of all mothers.
Truly the most inspiring, courageous, loving mother there is– a warrior mama through and through.
For even in their death you lovingly mother them still.
I believe a mothers heart stays a mothers heart, and I'll love and mother my babies always whether they with me or watching from above, getting bigger and moving out, or staying with me... but in my heart I will always be their mother, in each situation different and yet so alike cause I'll always love them more than they'll ever know... It's one of heavens most beautiful gifts the day you become a mother, and just because they're not in your arms, it doesn't make you any less if a mother, but I would like to believe maybe just a little more...........
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Saturday, June 29, 2013
In-between
Right now, the in-between moments are the ones that keep me going, it's the in-between moments I'm looking for and praying for.. Cause right now in-between seem the only place my heart finds some sort of normality...
A few hours short of three days ago, I said good bye to my second beautiful angel... It's heart breaking and feels like someone just came along and took my heart right out of me and I'm left looking for pieces to put back together again..
But in-between tears and in-between all the questions and in-between the 'why me's?' I'm finding moments of peace and moments of laughter with my two beautiful boys and I' having those moments of normality where the daily routine that needs to be dealt with when having two toddlers at home force me back into reality..
I was sitting on the couch in our play room just crying when my two and a half year hold climbed onto my lap and took my face in his hands and just said 'mamma eina' and started wiping the tears off my cheeks.... In his child like way he tenderly tried to soothe my aching heart... And he gave me one of those in-between moments where I knew that 'yes I lost a much wanted baby' but in front of me I've got two much-wanted, much-loved, and so much-prayed-for boys.. Two boys that are making all my days worth living for. Even before this terrible thing happened they are the ones that I live for, the ones I'd do anything for, to make sure they're happy and feeling loved.. They're the ones I pray for in-between my normal every day routines, in-between talking to a colleague, writing an email, answering a phone call, on my way driving to work and driving back home, they're the ones that make my every-day in-between moments filled with loving memories and also making new loving memories....
And I know, right now even though my heart is broken into a hundred pieces and I'm trying desperately to make sense of it all and somehow putting the pieces together, the in-between moments with my boys are the glue which is helping me to carry on, to mend and knowing that one day, I'm not sure when, but then this heart-ache will only be the in-between moments and life will have gone back to a new form of normality... I'm not pushing it, I'm not forcing it but I'm living in this in-between world right now and I'm hugging each precious moment and memory which I know slowly help me heal and carry on and these moments are the ones which make life worth living for....
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
A few hours short of three days ago, I said good bye to my second beautiful angel... It's heart breaking and feels like someone just came along and took my heart right out of me and I'm left looking for pieces to put back together again..
But in-between tears and in-between all the questions and in-between the 'why me's?' I'm finding moments of peace and moments of laughter with my two beautiful boys and I' having those moments of normality where the daily routine that needs to be dealt with when having two toddlers at home force me back into reality..
I was sitting on the couch in our play room just crying when my two and a half year hold climbed onto my lap and took my face in his hands and just said 'mamma eina' and started wiping the tears off my cheeks.... In his child like way he tenderly tried to soothe my aching heart... And he gave me one of those in-between moments where I knew that 'yes I lost a much wanted baby' but in front of me I've got two much-wanted, much-loved, and so much-prayed-for boys.. Two boys that are making all my days worth living for. Even before this terrible thing happened they are the ones that I live for, the ones I'd do anything for, to make sure they're happy and feeling loved.. They're the ones I pray for in-between my normal every day routines, in-between talking to a colleague, writing an email, answering a phone call, on my way driving to work and driving back home, they're the ones that make my every-day in-between moments filled with loving memories and also making new loving memories....
And I know, right now even though my heart is broken into a hundred pieces and I'm trying desperately to make sense of it all and somehow putting the pieces together, the in-between moments with my boys are the glue which is helping me to carry on, to mend and knowing that one day, I'm not sure when, but then this heart-ache will only be the in-between moments and life will have gone back to a new form of normality... I'm not pushing it, I'm not forcing it but I'm living in this in-between world right now and I'm hugging each precious moment and memory which I know slowly help me heal and carry on and these moments are the ones which make life worth living for....
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
All the beautiful rhythms in our lives..
It's been more than six months since my last post.. I stumbled upon #fiveminutefriday on the blog of Lisa-Jo Baker (lisajobaker.com) and became inspired to start writing again..
Little did I realise my first post in so many months would be what I wrote tonight, but being able to write about and share a little of where I am right now bring in itself a sense of comfort...
So here goes...
"Tonight I'm sitting in the rocking chair holding you much longer than normal, I'm listening to the rhythm of your breathing, I'm savoring your angel-like peacefulness while you're sleeping in my arms, but most of all I'm thanking God for the absolutely amazing blessing you are in my life.
Today has been one of the hardest days in my life, another being the day your sister was stillborn.. Today we lost and said goodbye to your baby brother/sister, as this eagerly anticipated fourth baby left us to be with your sister in heaven..
My dear boys, if it wasn't for the two of you that your dad and I could come home to, being pulled back into the familiar rhythm of toddler routine, hearing the beauty of your squeals of laughter, and embracing the rhythm of friendship of friends and family who comforted us, and came to help and others to just carry us.. I'm not sure I would've made it..
I was (the past tense just sound and feel so wrong) 12 weeks pregnant and for reasons and questions we do not know answers to or understand our second little baby is singing in the beautiful heavenly choirs tonight.. Sounds which has beauty and rhythm to it that we who are left behind have no understanding of, but of which only the thought of - gives me peace.. And I know today this little baby was also made perfect when God breathed His heavenly breathe into it's tiny body..
So tonight, while savoring the familiar rhythm of your breathing under my broken heart I'm at the same time singing through tears to the rhythm of heavenly songs for our two perfect angels in heaven....."
Stop...
It's not a perfect post and after so many months of 'just living life and being busy with all the daily rhythms of every day life' and just not finding the time to write, I realise again just how much I need to do this..
I also want to add to this post something I read after our little girl was stillborn and gave me so much comfort...
Extract from 'A Divine Revelation of Heaven' ~ Mary K Baxter
An angel of the Lord said to me, "From the time of conception, a baby is an eternal soul. If a baby is aborted or miscarried or somehow dies, God knows about it. He has given His angels charge over them.
"We bring their little souls to heaven, and God completes them. It doesn't matter if a baby has been aborted or dies naturally. It is fashioned and formed into perfection by the mighty hand of God.
"If the parents of these children will live righteously in Christ Jesus, when they come to heaven, they will be reunited and will know their precious loved ones. They will meet at the gates of glory!"
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Little did I realise my first post in so many months would be what I wrote tonight, but being able to write about and share a little of where I am right now bring in itself a sense of comfort...
So here goes...
"Tonight I'm sitting in the rocking chair holding you much longer than normal, I'm listening to the rhythm of your breathing, I'm savoring your angel-like peacefulness while you're sleeping in my arms, but most of all I'm thanking God for the absolutely amazing blessing you are in my life.
Today has been one of the hardest days in my life, another being the day your sister was stillborn.. Today we lost and said goodbye to your baby brother/sister, as this eagerly anticipated fourth baby left us to be with your sister in heaven..
My dear boys, if it wasn't for the two of you that your dad and I could come home to, being pulled back into the familiar rhythm of toddler routine, hearing the beauty of your squeals of laughter, and embracing the rhythm of friendship of friends and family who comforted us, and came to help and others to just carry us.. I'm not sure I would've made it..
I was (the past tense just sound and feel so wrong) 12 weeks pregnant and for reasons and questions we do not know answers to or understand our second little baby is singing in the beautiful heavenly choirs tonight.. Sounds which has beauty and rhythm to it that we who are left behind have no understanding of, but of which only the thought of - gives me peace.. And I know today this little baby was also made perfect when God breathed His heavenly breathe into it's tiny body..
So tonight, while savoring the familiar rhythm of your breathing under my broken heart I'm at the same time singing through tears to the rhythm of heavenly songs for our two perfect angels in heaven....."
Stop...
It's not a perfect post and after so many months of 'just living life and being busy with all the daily rhythms of every day life' and just not finding the time to write, I realise again just how much I need to do this..
I also want to add to this post something I read after our little girl was stillborn and gave me so much comfort...
Extract from 'A Divine Revelation of Heaven' ~ Mary K Baxter
An angel of the Lord said to me, "From the time of conception, a baby is an eternal soul. If a baby is aborted or miscarried or somehow dies, God knows about it. He has given His angels charge over them.
"We bring their little souls to heaven, and God completes them. It doesn't matter if a baby has been aborted or dies naturally. It is fashioned and formed into perfection by the mighty hand of God.
"If the parents of these children will live righteously in Christ Jesus, when they come to heaven, they will be reunited and will know their precious loved ones. They will meet at the gates of glory!"
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
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