Unexpected....

There is something about those unexpected moments that we cannot control.. Those ones that leaves us feeling empty and scared and like tears will never be enough.. The way I felt again two weeks ago and many moments since then.. We heard the unexpected news about our baby, a second baby we would be losing.. I remember sitting in the doctors rooms, not taking it all in and just crying so much.. Crying with unbelief over the news, crying because I loved this little baby inside me so so much and was so looking forward to being a family of five.. Crying because life can be so unfair some days and crying mostly because it was just so unexpected. My heart was ripped right out of me as I did not for one moment think something was wrong when we went for our routine check-up, and was more concerned about finding out the sex of our baby, if we could by any chance, than hearing those words.. Words that opened another hole in my heart, that left me feeling so empty, so helpless and so unexpectedly wounded.... We lost our little girl 5 years ago, stillborn at 30 weeks, and when I found out I was pregnant now my first thoughts was that this was going to be our grace baby, the baby to complete our little family, much anticipated and hoped for.. And after two very successful pregnancy and two beautiful healthy little boys, the last thing I expected was something to go wrong... Again... It was in those unexpected moments where my heart was ripped from me.. And then in the days to follow those this couldn't be happening again moments, those life is not fair moments, those I just don't think I can go through losing another baby moments - mom's are not made for this, that I had experienced unexpected moments of grace...

And then...

Unexpected moments of feeling so loved... firstly by a God that truly understands all our suffering - unexpectedly - because when you are so caught up in your grief you very often don't see good things around you, you don't expect to feel moments of peace, you don't expect to feel anything but heartache and that is why when those moments hit you, of feeling loved, of being knocked over by your 2 year old, cause he's 'jumping on mommy to hug you', of feeling that somehow, maybe something good will come out of this.. It is in those unexpected moments, that you learn about God's grace, He's unconditional, undeserving, and totally unexpected heart of Love for us. Because He loves us so much. No one can really understand this, and when we unexpectedly experience this in the midst of our heartache it is so comforting, and brings healing... So unexpectedly...

I've had unexpected moments of 'letting go' and just sitting with God asking Lord, this time, how can I glorify your name?, what can come from this to bring some comfort to someone else, instead of me losing another piece of my heart and eventually, after finding a 'new normal', just living my life again and 'moving on'?

And this is when I thought, maybe there will be some grace in this... maybe now, I will be living for those unexpected moments of grace,,those moments we so often take for granted, those moments when something good happens so unexpectedly that we are left a little bit more loved, more healed, more at peace, or maybe just with a smile on our faces and knowing there is a God that really cares, someone who understands everything that happens to us, someone who just wants to be so a part of our everyday lives, in everything - the good and the bad and also the really busy parts.... (especially the busy parts) cause it's in those parts when we really do need Him to be part of what we do even more...

And this is what I will be doing, I will get healed again, and yes this takes time, so I will not be rushing it, I know I will have many moments of crying for my baby, my babies, and that will be OK. But I will not let these rule me, I will not be so overcome with my heartache and the unfairness of what happens to us in this broken world we live in, that I miss the moments of grace that surrounds us.. (especially as a mother....)

The moments where...
- my two year old, throws his arms around me and hugs me because he loves me, because I am his mother and right now, that is all he needs, me to be his mother, to just love him back...
- I look at something through the eyes of my one (or two) year old, something he is seeing for the first time, and is so amazed by it, and so excited and looks at me with his huge blue eyes as if to ask 'mommy, did you see that?' Or 'mommy, can you see yourself through my eyes....?'
- I hold one of them asleep in my arms and can feel a little bit of heaven close to me, soaking in their peaceful breathing, the warmth of their tiny, but growing-way-too-fast bodies...
- when they are being such boys - throwing stones into water puddles, or carrying those stones in through the front door, kicking dust with their newly washed shoes, riding bikes way too fast for my liking (for a 1 and 2 year old anyway), or running havock while I'm trying to pack bags for our holiday...
- savoring the beauty of them being a part of our lives and filling it in so many ways to the brim, filling it with their one and two year old demands and needs but mostly their unconditional giving of themselves, cause they don't know anything else, they give and ask and take what they need and we give it to them cause that's what mothers do, you give yourself to your children, and you pray that they will know just how they complete you even in the moments when you don't like it...
- I can pray for them, and give their lives to God and ask Him to guide me and them in this journey of motherhood, to show me where I need to do more, or less and to lead me in the ways that will bring them closer to God...

Because in these moments we truly experience grace...

There are many moments of grace as and for a mother... and those are the ones I'll be looking for, the ones I'll be capturing into and filling my heart with,the ones I'll be writing about for my boys to read one day, cause those are the moments where God gives us something unexpectedly good, unexpectedly wonderful, unexpectedly filling our broken hearts with so much love, that the emptiness I've felt cannot remain, cause His grace for us is so unbelievably good, He loves us so unconditionally, nothing that happens can separate us from this, and He wants us to live our lives glorifying His name intentionally, unintentionally and unexpectedly, cause in the end that is all that matters, have we lived our lives giving glory the Him, have we lived our lives basking in His love or being overcome by what the world wants us to see, the hurt, the heartache the unfairness and in the end not being all of who we are and all of who He made us to be, and all of who He wants us to become......

These are the unexpected moments of grace that makes this life worth living for, worth getting up for every morning and worth capturing until unexpectedly we feel whole again......


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