Saturday, June 29, 2013


Right now, the in-between moments are the ones that keep me going, it's the in-between moments I'm looking for and praying for.. Cause right now in-between seem the only place my heart finds some sort of normality...

A few hours short of three days ago, I said good bye to my second beautiful angel... It's heart breaking and feels like someone just came along and took my heart right out of me and I'm left looking for pieces to put back together again..

But in-between tears and in-between all the questions and in-between the 'why me's?' I'm finding moments of peace and moments of laughter with my two beautiful boys and I' having those moments of normality where the daily routine that needs to be dealt with when having two toddlers at home force me back into reality..

I was sitting on the couch in our play room just crying when my two and a half year hold climbed onto my lap and took my face in his hands and just said 'mamma eina' and started wiping the tears off my cheeks.... In his child like way he tenderly tried to soothe my aching heart... And he gave me one of those in-between moments where I knew that 'yes I lost a much wanted baby' but in front of me I've got two much-wanted, much-loved, and so much-prayed-for boys.. Two boys that are making all my days worth living for. Even before this terrible thing happened they are the ones that I live for, the ones I'd do anything for, to make sure they're happy and feeling loved.. They're the ones I pray for in-between my normal every day routines, in-between talking to a colleague, writing an email, answering a phone call, on my way driving to work and driving back home, they're the ones that make my every-day in-between moments filled with loving memories and also making new loving memories....

And I know, right now even though my heart is broken into a hundred pieces and I'm trying desperately to make sense of it all and somehow putting the pieces together, the in-between moments with my boys are the glue which is helping me to carry on, to mend and knowing that one day, I'm not sure when, but then this heart-ache will only be the in-between moments and life will have gone back to a new form of normality... I'm not pushing it, I'm not forcing it but I'm living in this in-between world right now and I'm hugging each precious moment and memory which I know slowly help me heal and carry on and these moments are the ones which make life worth living for....

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

All the beautiful rhythms in our lives..

It's been more than six months since my last post.. I stumbled upon #fiveminutefriday on the blog of Lisa-Jo Baker ( and became inspired to start writing again..
Little did I realise my first post in so many months would be what I wrote tonight, but being able to write about and share a little of where I am right now bring in itself a sense of comfort...

So here goes...

"Tonight I'm sitting in the rocking chair holding you much longer than normal, I'm listening to the rhythm of your breathing, I'm savoring your angel-like peacefulness while you're sleeping in my arms, but most of all I'm thanking God for the absolutely amazing blessing you are in my life.
Today has been one of the hardest days in my life, another being the day your sister was stillborn.. Today we lost and said goodbye to your baby brother/sister, as this eagerly anticipated fourth baby left us to be with your sister in heaven..

My dear boys, if it wasn't for the two of you that your dad and I could come home to, being pulled back into the familiar rhythm of toddler routine, hearing the beauty of your squeals of laughter, and embracing the rhythm of friendship of friends and family who comforted us, and came to help and others to just carry us.. I'm not sure I would've made it..

I was (the past tense just sound and feel so wrong) 12 weeks pregnant and for reasons and questions we do not know answers to or understand our second little baby is singing in the beautiful heavenly choirs tonight.. Sounds which has beauty and rhythm to it that we who are left behind have no understanding of, but of which only the thought of - gives me peace.. And I know today this little baby was also made perfect when God breathed His heavenly breathe into it's tiny body..

So tonight, while savoring the familiar rhythm of your breathing under my broken heart I'm at the same time singing through tears to the rhythm of heavenly songs for our two perfect angels in heaven....."


It's not a perfect post and after so many months of 'just living life and being busy with all the daily rhythms of every day life' and just not finding the time to write, I realise again just how much I need to do this..

I also want to add to this post something I read after our little girl was stillborn and gave me so much comfort...

Extract from 'A Divine Revelation of Heaven' ~ Mary K Baxter

An angel of the Lord said to me, "From the time of conception, a baby is an eternal soul. If a baby is aborted or miscarried or somehow dies, God knows about it. He has given His angels charge over them.
"We bring their little souls to heaven, and God completes them. It doesn't matter if a baby has been aborted or dies naturally. It is fashioned and formed into perfection by the mighty hand of God.
"If the parents of these children will live righteously in Christ Jesus, when they come to heaven, they will be reunited and will know their precious loved ones. They will meet at the gates of glory!"

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone