Saturday, August 17, 2013

Small

'It's in the small things that we discover the joys of life....'

It's...
...'my two boys running around the house naked after bath time...'
...'daddy coming home early unexpectedly and we end up playing in the park till after sunset, catching balls and flying aeroplanes...'
...'watching them long after they've gone to sleep, thanking God for these two miracles in our life...'
...'seeing someone special after a long time and catching up is the most natural thing, like you haven't even been apart...'
...'holding little hands in yours and knowing the love you feel for them is bigger than anything else in this world...'

It's when you experience God's grace unexpectedly and you know there is so much more to life than everything we are chasing after...

It's knowing that no matter where life take you, family will always be home and it's the small things they do that become the big things...

And this my boys is what I want you to remember, there will be many big events in your life and those may be anything from going to school the first time to your wedding day, the really wonderful ones.... and then there might be the ones where you bury a loved one way too soon and life might be falling apart for a while.....

But throughout your life, in those in-between moments there will be many small moments which will be the ones that will carry you through.... And mostly those will be the ones where God's grace will bigger and more than you'd ever imagined...

Because one day you will look back and it will be the small moments that make up the tapestry of your life and if you look carefully, they will be the ones that add up to make your life more beautiful than you could ever imagine.. And that my boys is what make life worth living for.....

TO EVERYTHING there is a season, and a time for every matter or purpose under heaven: (Ecclesiastes 3:1 AMP)

I'm linking up with Five minute Friday , Fellowship Fridays and Bible Love notes

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Friday, August 2, 2013

Story..

Your eyes saw my unformed substance, and in Your book all the days [of my life] were written before ever they took shape, when as yet there was none of them. (Psalm 139:16 AMP)

What a wonderful thought this is... God knew our story even before we were born.. All the days of our life were written in His book, before one of them came to be...
It's comforting, it's almost daunting, yet I know our lives are completely in His hands.. And that is the perfect place to be...

I love You Lord, I love that You know me inside and out and nothing is hidden from You..

My prayer for you my boys, is that You will seek God first always.. Let Him guide You in EvErYtHiNg you do.. The story God has planned for you is more beautiful. More amazing. More uplifting. Has more impact. More exciting. And captures the imagination in more ways and forms than you will ever begin to realise. And that is why I want you to follow Him in everything. There may be times when His way might seem unreasonable, unpopular, not what you had in mind but when you let go of all that, and you look back you will realise what He had in mind for you surpasses all that you had dreamed of.

I also pray that you will early on discover His plan and ideal for your life and that you will always follow His guidance, in the end if you fulfilled the destiny He has in mind for you, your story will be absolutely amazing..

My prayer for you my boys is that as your story unfolds, you will touch lives more profoundly, love others more deeply, Glorify His Name in every way possible and that your life will be an amazing story of hope and love and that no one around you will be able to doubt for one second who is the real Author of your story....

I cannot wait to see it, to be a part of it, and I already thank God for what He has planned and what He will do to accomplish it!



I'm linking up to fiveminutefriday and Fellowship Friday's, go over have a look and join in!


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Saturday, July 27, 2013

Broken...

Broken dreams...
Broken realities...
Broken hearts...

This my child is part of the circle of life....

One day your life is perfect and the next you're grasping for air, when out of nowhere your perfect is suddenly lying in a hundred pieces around you...

Broken....

and you have no idea how and if the pieces will ever fit together again... You struggle to see the light and some days you're not sure if you'll ever feel 'whole' again..

And then..

Slowly - you learn to breathe normal again..
Slowly - you see the sun shining again..
Slowly - you realise that healing comes by loving and to mend a broken heart, the only glue that'll hold the pieces together is love....

And dear child I want you to know that in your brokenness lies #grace.. Because it's only through allowing God to work through His grace that you become truly whole again..
And only through His grace can you see beauty more clearly,
Can you love more deeply...

And through His grace your broken leads to your new whole..
You grow, you learn, you become different.. And in that lies the beauty you should always seek to find..

Yes broken is nót nice, it is nót easy, it is nót something I wish you to experience often in your life, but when you do, because you will..
I want you to allow your 'being broken' to lead to your 'being whole' be something more beautiful than it was before..... Only then can your broken be something that God can use for you to getting closer to what He had in mind for you all along....

I love you so much my child....


This is my post for #fiveminutefriday. I'm linking up to Bible love notes and Fellowship Fridays..


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Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Each one of you a masterpiece...

For You did form my inward parts; You did knit me together in my mother’s womb. I will confess and praise You for You are fearful and wonderful and for the awful wonder of my birth! Wonderful are Your works, and that my inner self knows right well. (Psalm 139:13, 14 AMP)




If there is one thing I want you to know my boys, it's this - You are wonderfully made.. When God created you He was delighted and I can imagine Him loving every moment of it. He had planned the exact timing of when you would be given to us, and He has all your days written down already. I want you to know how amazing this is - that the God of the Universe is concerned with every little detail of your being and your life...








You were created to His image and He loves you more than anyone of us will ever be able to comprehend...



Yesterday a #royalbaby was born into the British Royal family. Everyone is delighted and in awe. My boys, if only they realized that all of you are Royal babies! And this I want you to know..



Your Heavenly Father is the King of the Universe! And that makes you a prince! We are all born into this world, but we are created for more than what this world could ever offer us.
And God delights in you more than we can ever begin imagining and more than the world could ever delight in this royal baby.





As I was watching Jaydon enjoying every second of drawing his pictures, concentrating on coloring his crocodile and the delight when he showed me his final attempt, I could not help but wonder at how God must delight in each one of us. I can imagine Him singing when He forms us in our mother's womb and every time just being in awe of every one of his masterpieces. Because my boys that is what you are, we are, each one a masterpiece made by our Father. And my prayer today is that you will never forget this, that you will never loose focus of Whose you are because you belong to a King who gave you His life and who knows your every thought before it even came to you. He is more concerned with every detail of your life than anyone in this world could ever be.

I love you so much my boys, I cannot begin to tell you how it means having you in our lives and even more so does our God.

Today, 4 weeks ago we learned the news that your unborn brother would never be ours to hold. That he would far too soon join our Heavenly Father in heaven. My heart still aches when I think about it, but I also know that he. is. now. perfect. he is living in the glory of just being with God and one day we will all be together in our heavenly home, perfect and without any sorrow and we will also then understand why he was taken from us so soon. He is with your sister, a princess, also taken too soon. And yet I know I am so very blessed. I have you here on earth with me, my two beautiful little princes, and in heaven your brother and sister who are watching over us.

So today as the world celebrates a baby born unto the Royal family, I am celebrating all of you. Each one of you, the two of you I can hold and kiss and delight in, and the two already fulfilling the purpose we are all ultimately created for- Bringing glory to our father and King in heaven.



I'm linking up with Behind the scenes, Transformed Tuesdays and Titus2Tuesdays today. Go over, have a look and join in.





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Friday, July 19, 2013

Belong

Oh what it is to belong..!

To have a place you can call home, to be loved, to be wanted, to be needed... These are some of the strongest feelings and emotions you'll feel throughout your life my boys.. This makes life beautiful.. And yet these feelings and emotions are those you have to treat so carefully, like a delicate treasure, because to belong is something we all want to feel.... But these should not lead or guide you where you go, because no matter where you are and what you do you already belong.

You are a child of The Most High.. The King of the heavens hold you in His hand.. Your days were all already known by Him before you were even born.. And my boys, he died on a cross for you so you will never have to seek belonging anywhere else,
because you are His..

Your identity lies in Him, your worth is in Him, your security lies in Him.. And that is why I want you to know it is OK to some days feel like you don't belong, to sometimes feel like you don't fit in, because you were created for more.
You were created for Him. And it is OK if you are somewhere and you don't always feel like you belong. because thise days will come, the days when you join a new school, a new team, need to make new friends, start a new job, so many times in your life you'll feel the need to belong again... as long as you know Who holds you in the palm of His hand because that my beautiful boys, is enough..

This is my post for Belong on #fiveminutefriday over at lisajobaker.com.. Go have a look and join in... I'm also linking up with #fellowshipfridays at christianmommyblogger.com

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Holiday {photo - therapy}

'My kids don't need a Super mama. They need to see a mama who needs a Super God..' Ann Voskamp

I've been back at work for three days now.. The every day routine is reminding me very quickly just how life goes on.. Even though my weary heart still just feel like being alone and being left to mourn our little boy we will never be able to hold.. But life does not wait for the heartbroken, it does not stop for broken hearts to be mended and maybe in that there lies some grace, it's ruthless on the one side yet forces you to face life again and carry on maybe in ways you do not always like, but which is needed..

My perfectionist Jaydon gets seriously upset when our 'happy-go-lucky' - take life in his stride Ethan put his toys out of place or messes his juice where he (Jaydon) was suppose to walk or touches one of his toys with his messy hands after he ate his food walking up and down between doing something else and remembering to eat as well.. And it amazes me more and more every day to see how different they are, how God must have such a wonderful sense of humor to place so many different personalities in one household and yet we all just fit... Perfectly....

And this is what I'm learning more and more every day.. life is not perfect and I am no super mama, most days I'm tired and just making it through the day. But God provides for us every day. Just enough so we will make it through and other days so much our cups are overflowing, but always enough, we never need more than what He gives.. And that in itself is my daily piece of grace, and this mama is so grateful... Through all this I know God is holding my heart in His hand and in that alone I find my comfort.

“Too often we spend all of our time seeking God for answers to our problems when what we should be doing is just seeking God.”

This mama went away for five days with my boys.. It was a much needed break and even though we missed daddy very much (who had to stay home due to work demands), but we took granny and uncle Lew with which was so nice and just what we needed..

There is nothing like walking along the beach to clear your mind and soothe your soul, and give hope to healing heart...




We had the most wonderful weather and even though its the middle of winter we escaped some of the freezing weather at home and enjoyed the sun and the beach so much.. Even though the water was still too cold for swimming, the boys in their own ways enjoyed the beach very much (Jaydon after lots of coaxing and eventually distracting him with the beach pebbles and some sticks and stones lying around, and Ethan just loved the sand right from day 1 as always).. I still find it amazing how their personalities is so different and they are both such beautiful little boys.. One shy and serious, yet with such a wonderful sense of humor and the other loves being social and charming his way when meeting new people, yet so tender in his dealings...)












They had to go to the highest point on the dunes before Jaydon would consider standing on the beach sand on his own...


And eventually Jaydon loved it.. He gathered his pebbles and sticks and stones and forgot about the huge ocean and I just loved watching my boys being boys...



























































If Jaydon's shoe doesn't fit, I'll try my own...



























There was a pond right in front of our house and the kids had so much fun feeding the fish every morning...


















Our holiday was short, but just what I needed. Had a wonderful time with the boys. Lovely long walks on the beach with my mom and we just talked...
And a little more healing for my heart...

Life is not perfect..

I am not a super mama..

But God holds me in the palm of His hand, and right now - THAT is enough..




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Friday, July 12, 2013

Present...

To my boys...

All we have is today.. No one is promised tomorrow and no one knows what the future holds. We are only guaranteed of the present and that is why I promise you this..

I promise to always be present in your every day lives, because the gift of today is by grace only...

- I will love you more today than yesterday as each day I'm discovering something new about you, something more special, and also something that might need me to apply more discipline and there's always something I did not know about you yesterday, which only makes the present so much more special as every day I get to know you better and for that I love you more with each passing day..
- I will hold you close more than you might want me to, because today you fit into my arms perfectly and that is reason enough to want to hold you close forever
- I will teach you something about yourself, about me, about your family.. As your family are the one closest to you, the ones beside God, who you will find comfort in, the ones who will cheer you on every step you take, the ones who make life worth living..
- I will teach you to love others, cause only by giving do you realise how valuable it is when you're receiving
- I will show you the small things which makes life so much more worth it, cause its in the small things that you'll discover the joys of life, and
- I will do my utmost to teach you about grace, as its only by grace that we are saved, that we have each other and that every new day we're given the opportunity to love more, to learn more to, to give more...

Use your opportunity to open the present of each new day, learn something, discover your gifts, teach someone, give of yourself, but most of all love, because love is the greatest gift of all.. you are so beautiful my boys, there is so much in this life I still want to show you and I thank God for giving you to me, this beautiful present which makes life worth living for...


Today is #fiveminutefriday over at lisajobaker.com, go have a look and join in if you like...


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Thursday, July 11, 2013

Unexpected....

There is something about those unexpected moments that we cannot control.. Those ones that leaves us feeling empty and scared and like tears will never be enough.. The way I felt again two weeks ago and many moments since then.. We heard the unexpected news about our baby, a second baby we would be losing.. I remember sitting in the doctors rooms, not taking it all in and just crying so much.. Crying with unbelief over the news, crying because I loved this little baby inside me so so much and was so looking forward to being a family of five.. Crying because life can be so unfair some days and crying mostly because it was just so unexpected. My heart was ripped right out of me as I did not for one moment think something was wrong when we went for our routine check-up, and was more concerned about finding out the sex of our baby, if we could by any chance, than hearing those words.. Words that opened another hole in my heart, that left me feeling so empty, so helpless and so unexpectedly wounded.... We lost our little girl 5 years ago, stillborn at 30 weeks, and when I found out I was pregnant now my first thoughts was that this was going to be our grace baby, the baby to complete our little family, much anticipated and hoped for.. And after two very successful pregnancy and two beautiful healthy little boys, the last thing I expected was something to go wrong... Again... It was in those unexpected moments where my heart was ripped from me.. And then in the days to follow those this couldn't be happening again moments, those life is not fair moments, those I just don't think I can go through losing another baby moments - mom's are not made for this, that I had experienced unexpected moments of grace...

And then...

Unexpected moments of feeling so loved... firstly by a God that truly understands all our suffering - unexpectedly - because when you are so caught up in your grief you very often don't see good things around you, you don't expect to feel moments of peace, you don't expect to feel anything but heartache and that is why when those moments hit you, of feeling loved, of being knocked over by your 2 year old, cause he's 'jumping on mommy to hug you', of feeling that somehow, maybe something good will come out of this.. It is in those unexpected moments, that you learn about God's grace, He's unconditional, undeserving, and totally unexpected heart of Love for us. Because He loves us so much. No one can really understand this, and when we unexpectedly experience this in the midst of our heartache it is so comforting, and brings healing... So unexpectedly...

I've had unexpected moments of 'letting go' and just sitting with God asking Lord, this time, how can I glorify your name?, what can come from this to bring some comfort to someone else, instead of me losing another piece of my heart and eventually, after finding a 'new normal', just living my life again and 'moving on'?

And this is when I thought, maybe there will be some grace in this... maybe now, I will be living for those unexpected moments of grace,,those moments we so often take for granted, those moments when something good happens so unexpectedly that we are left a little bit more loved, more healed, more at peace, or maybe just with a smile on our faces and knowing there is a God that really cares, someone who understands everything that happens to us, someone who just wants to be so a part of our everyday lives, in everything - the good and the bad and also the really busy parts.... (especially the busy parts) cause it's in those parts when we really do need Him to be part of what we do even more...

And this is what I will be doing, I will get healed again, and yes this takes time, so I will not be rushing it, I know I will have many moments of crying for my baby, my babies, and that will be OK. But I will not let these rule me, I will not be so overcome with my heartache and the unfairness of what happens to us in this broken world we live in, that I miss the moments of grace that surrounds us.. (especially as a mother....)

The moments where...
- my two year old, throws his arms around me and hugs me because he loves me, because I am his mother and right now, that is all he needs, me to be his mother, to just love him back...
- I look at something through the eyes of my one (or two) year old, something he is seeing for the first time, and is so amazed by it, and so excited and looks at me with his huge blue eyes as if to ask 'mommy, did you see that?' Or 'mommy, can you see yourself through my eyes....?'
- I hold one of them asleep in my arms and can feel a little bit of heaven close to me, soaking in their peaceful breathing, the warmth of their tiny, but growing-way-too-fast bodies...
- when they are being such boys - throwing stones into water puddles, or carrying those stones in through the front door, kicking dust with their newly washed shoes, riding bikes way too fast for my liking (for a 1 and 2 year old anyway), or running havock while I'm trying to pack bags for our holiday...
- savoring the beauty of them being a part of our lives and filling it in so many ways to the brim, filling it with their one and two year old demands and needs but mostly their unconditional giving of themselves, cause they don't know anything else, they give and ask and take what they need and we give it to them cause that's what mothers do, you give yourself to your children, and you pray that they will know just how they complete you even in the moments when you don't like it...
- I can pray for them, and give their lives to God and ask Him to guide me and them in this journey of motherhood, to show me where I need to do more, or less and to lead me in the ways that will bring them closer to God...

Because in these moments we truly experience grace...

There are many moments of grace as and for a mother... and those are the ones I'll be looking for, the ones I'll be capturing into and filling my heart with,the ones I'll be writing about for my boys to read one day, cause those are the moments where God gives us something unexpectedly good, unexpectedly wonderful, unexpectedly filling our broken hearts with so much love, that the emptiness I've felt cannot remain, cause His grace for us is so unbelievably good, He loves us so unconditionally, nothing that happens can separate us from this, and He wants us to live our lives glorifying His name intentionally, unintentionally and unexpectedly, cause in the end that is all that matters, have we lived our lives giving glory the Him, have we lived our lives basking in His love or being overcome by what the world wants us to see, the hurt, the heartache the unfairness and in the end not being all of who we are and all of who He made us to be, and all of who He wants us to become......

These are the unexpected moments of grace that makes this life worth living for, worth getting up for every morning and worth capturing until unexpectedly we feel whole again......


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Monday, July 8, 2013

Photo-therapy

“@GODs_Graces: When you feel like God is doing nothing, that's probably when He is doing the most.”

I've decided that it is time that I stop using my iPhone camera all the time for taking photos of the kids (love the fact that I have it with me all the time and can just snap away) but really want to teach myself how to use the big camera properly on manual mode...  I suppose now is perfect time to start (have been threatening to for the longest time) as I'm getting some soul-therapy doing something I love (taking photos of the kids) and my mind is keeping busy...

Had a rough day again yesterday and between wanting to cry when someone just looks at me and being pulled back into mom-reality with Ethan teething and having fevers and horrible nappies, I survived.. I guess there'll be many days like this, but every time I make it through will be a step closer to healing....

Rest of the post just photos of the boys, took them previous weekend and some of them are really special.. (Not all perfect and need to practice a lot with the camera on manual mode, but for now and how my heart feels, they're just perfect.. when I look at them sometimes through tears, none of the imperfect compositions or sharpness can be seen anyway, and for now that is all my heart needs...)

I'm looking for a new color for the inside of the house, Jaydon helped me paint some sample colors..






'Stop taking so many photos, mom!'


'All OK mom!'


'Love the hand behind his back as he concentrates on painting...' #theygrowuptoofast




Our winter has been so mild and we make use off the lovely weather and play outside often....



'He picked up an ant and was super excited to show me!'









'Ethan just loves Tasha...' He says 'hello Tasha' soo cute the moment he sees her...










































'They were throwing stones over the wall - caught in the act!'







I've dreamed so many times of how life would change once there were going to be three.. Every now and then my mind still wanders there.. Something to get use to not doing anymore.. And yes, it hurts and I so wish things were different.. Our plans does not always work out the way we had them in our minds.. I am choosing to look forward though, to be on the look-out for the positive, to savor the moments with my gorgeous boys.. And allow myself to dream of our future together, even though it might be slightly different than a few weeks ago.. I do not know what the future holds, all I know is that it is in God's hands..

A poem a dear friend wrote in a card for me after our recent loss.. It's just beautiful..

I am gone, not by your side, or so I've heard you say.
But I am with you more than you know, each and every day.
I am there in the morning as you rise full of dread,
I am nestled up beside you each night you go to bed.
I watch you while you're sleeping, or lying there awake.
I'm with you when you ask, 'How much more can I take?'
I watch with love each time I see you wipe the tears away,
I'll always be here for the one who thinks of me each day.
I see you seldom smile, which is just a way to hide,
I know the deep exhausting pain that you feel inside.
I wish you knew that I was there and I know the pain you feel
I know you have a broken heart that time will slowly heal.
Just know that I am with you we really aren't apart,
I'm in every breath you take, nestled in your heart....



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