I've decided that it is time that I stop using my iPhone camera all the time for taking photos of the kids (love the fact that I have it with me all the time and can just snap away) but really want to teach myself how to use the big camera properly on manual mode... I suppose now is perfect time to start (have been threatening to for the longest time) as I'm getting some soul-therapy doing something I love (taking photos of the kids) and my mind is keeping busy...
Had a rough day again yesterday and between wanting to cry when someone just looks at me and being pulled back into mom-reality with Ethan teething and having fevers and horrible nappies, I survived.. I guess there'll be many days like this, but every time I make it through will be a step closer to healing....
Rest of the post just photos of the boys, took them previous weekend and some of them are really special.. (Not all perfect and need to practice a lot with the camera on manual mode, but for now and how my heart feels, they're just perfect.. when I look at them sometimes through tears, none of the imperfect compositions or sharpness can be seen anyway, and for now that is all my heart needs...)
I'm looking for a new color for the inside of the house, Jaydon helped me paint some sample colors..
'Stop taking so many photos, mom!'
'All OK mom!'
'Love the hand behind his back as he concentrates on painting...' #theygrowuptoofast
Our winter has been so mild and we make use off the lovely weather and play outside often....
'He picked up an ant and was super excited to show me!'
'Ethan just loves Tasha...' He says 'hello Tasha' soo cute the moment he sees her...
'They were throwing stones over the wall - caught in the act!'
I've dreamed so many times of how life would change once there were going to be three.. Every now and then my mind still wanders there.. Something to get use to not doing anymore.. And yes, it hurts and I so wish things were different.. Our plans does not always work out the way we had them in our minds.. I am choosing to look forward though, to be on the look-out for the positive, to savor the moments with my gorgeous boys.. And allow myself to dream of our future together, even though it might be slightly different than a few weeks ago.. I do not know what the future holds, all I know is that it is in God's hands..
A poem a dear friend wrote in a card for me after our recent loss.. It's just beautiful..
I am gone, not by your side, or so I've heard you say.
But I am with you more than you know, each and every day.
I am there in the morning as you rise full of dread,
I am nestled up beside you each night you go to bed.
I watch you while you're sleeping, or lying there awake.
I'm with you when you ask, 'How much more can I take?'
I watch with love each time I see you wipe the tears away,
I'll always be here for the one who thinks of me each day.
I see you seldom smile, which is just a way to hide,
I know the deep exhausting pain that you feel inside.
I wish you knew that I was there and I know the pain you feel
I know you have a broken heart that time will slowly heal.
Just know that I am with you we really aren't apart,
I'm in every breath you take, nestled in your heart....
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